Insults

Insults are a key mechanic in Oh... Sir! The Insult Simulator.[]

Every turn, 9 subjects/nouns, verbs and endings appear in a table between both characters, and they can take turns to select one and add it to their insult. Insults must make sense. If a player makes a grammatical error, they will take 3 damage, lose their selection and their turn ends, with the message "Learn grammar!" appearing next to them.

as well as selecting words from the grid, both players have their own private list. This list contains additional words and that character's unique insults, and your opponent cannot take any words in it. However, it only has 2 slots. Players can drink tea once per round to refresh this list.

Subjects/Nouns[]

A cheap suit (Style, Wealth and Poverty)
A cheese shop
A frightened schoolboy (Weakness)
A grunting sow (Size and Appearance)
A hamster
A lumberjack
A muppet
A platypus
A public loo
A red-arsed baboon
A strange woman lying in a pond
Angry mob
An ordinary pigsty (Reality)
Elderberries
Homeless man's socks (Style, Wealth and Poverty)
Satan (Sins)
Some bloody minger
Some dirty rag
Some dog
Someone insane
Spam
Stalin's jockstrap (Russia and Origin)
The African swallow
The Communists (Russia and Origin, Too Serious)
The Nazis (Too Serious)
The Queen (Too Serious)
The royal family (Too Serious)
This conversation
This place
You
Your beloved auntie (Father)
Your country (Russia and Origin)
Your cousin's car
Your face (Size and Appearance)
Your father (Family)
Your favourite Bond actor
Your hat (Style)
Your house (Wealth and Poverty)
Your hovercraft
Your husband (Family)
Your math teacher
Your mother (Family)
Your seat
Your sense of style (Style)
Your sister (Family)
Your son (Family)
Your wife (Family)

Verbs[]

(is/are)
(is/are) an old bugger (Age And Death)
(is/are) deceased (Age And Death, Too Serious)
(is/are) dull and ugly (SIze And Appearence.)
(is/are) full of eels
(is/are) getting fat (Size And Appearence.)
(is/are) interested in photography
(is/are) no more (Age And Death)
(is/are) not a part of Europe (Russia And Origin)
(is/are) not interesting (Reality)
(is/are) not migratory
(is/are) old(aaaa=Age And Death)
(is/are) rather plain
(is/are) rude
(is/are) scratched
(is/are) silly
(is/are) stone dead (Age And Death)
(is/are) very naughty
(is/are) vile
(is/are) worthless (Wealth And Poverty, Weak)
(was/were) born in (Russia And Origin)
(was/were) burnt like a witch (Sins)
(was/were) defeated by (Weakness)
(was/were) in jail
(has/have) a steaming romp with (Sins)
(has/have) an unsightly face (Size And Appearence)
(has/have) bad breath (Reality)
(has/have) bum cancer (Reality)
(has/have) only local multiplayer (Modern World)
(has/have) tiny feet
(has/have) worse hair than (Style)
Act(s) like
Admire(s) pictures of
Bother(s) me
Can be found in Pokémon GO (Modern World)
Can't dance
Can't exercise because of (Size and Appearance)
Can't tie a tie (Style)
Change(s) into
Dance(s) like
Do(es)n't like
Do(es)n't own a colour telly (Modern World, Wealth and Poverty)
Enjoyed Batman v Superman (Modern World)
Fart(s) in your general direction
Farted on
Like(s) to flash in the park
Look(s) like
Look(s) like a sad lemur (Size and Appearance)
make(s) fun of the Pope (Too Serious)
Make(s) me sick
Must be fun at parties
Never watched Star Wars (Modern World)
Play(s) hidden object games (Modern World)
Pre-ordered No Man's Sky (Modern World)
Poses nude for
Put(s) on granny's clothing (Style)
Secretly adore(s)
Sit(s) next to
Smell(s) of
Stalked
Still use(s) Windows Vista (Modern World)
Suck(s) at Overwatch (Modern World, Weakness)
Support(s)
Swallowed a chewing gum
Talk(s) to strangers
Walk(s) silly
Wanted to be
Wear(s) second-hand clothes (Style, Wealth and Poverty)
Will always be alone (Size and Appearance, Reality)
Will soon kick the bucket (Age and Death)
Worked with

Endings[]

mate/honey!
mister/ma'am!
sir/lady!
and everybody knows that!
and I have proof!
and it's scientifically proven!
and piss off
and you can't deny it!
and you know it's true!
like a minging peasant! [Russia And Origin< Wealth And Poverty)
nudge nudge!
pardon my French!
you [son/daughter] of a washerwoman! (Wealth And Poverty)
you commoner! (Russia And Origin, Wealth And Poverty)
you inbred twit!
you lying git!

Exclusive Phrases[]

A bucket of vomit (Nigel H.)
A cider-drinking chav (Shufflebottom)
A cold pasty (Nigel H.)
A cold sausage without mustard (Nigel H.)
A cream-faced loon (Sir Knight)
A dead parrot (Pet Shop)
A demon's asshole (Lo Wang)
A duck hunter (By The Lake)
A half-eaten crumpet (Nigel H.)
A horny little bunny (Lo Wang, Sins)
A lazy old codger (Shufflebottom)
A piece of battered cod (Nigel H.)
A ruttish fishmonger (Sir Knight)
All of those animals (Pet Shop)
An alien hamburger (Serious Sam)
Dagon (H.P. Lovecraft)
Defenceless young men (Mrs. Maggie, Weakness)
Fish and chips (Nigel H.)
Kebab made of your mother (Postal Dude, Family)
Krotchy the Giant Scrotum (Postal Dude)
Louisiana swamp-priests (H.P. Lovecraft, Sins)
That Thing on your doorstep (H.P. Lovecraft)
The afterlife (The Afterlife)
The Cozzers (Albert)
The Deep Ones (H.P. Lovecraft)
The Hell's Grannies Gang (Mrs. Maggie, Sins)
The meaning of life (The Afterlife, Reality, Too Serious)
The thing you had for lunch (Nigel H., Reality)
This bloody pet shop (Pet Shop)
This lake (By The Lake)
This liver (ER)
Your pimply arse (Albert, Reality)
This parrot (Pet Shop)
This poor man (By The Lake)
This train (Train Compartment)
Vodka (Grisha)
Your sins (The Afterlife, Sins)

Exclusive Endings[]

and I damn you! (Father)
and I don't love you! (Father)
and I'm Serious! (Serious Sam,Too Serious)
and now let me finish the rites! (H. P. Lovecraft)
and stop being a berk! (Albert)
and that's a load of bollocks! (Albert)
and that's racist! *(Albert,Too Serious, Reality)
and the Dead One still dreams in R'lyeh! (H. P. Lovecraft)
because I don't exist! (Father,Reality)
because you are a spoiled brat! (Mrs Maggie)
cockwomble! (Shufflebottom)
innit?! (Albert)
и я знаю, что ты шпион! (i ya znayu, chto ty shpion! ; and I know you're a spy!) (Grisha)
just call me Doctor Euthanasia! [Age And Death,Postal Dude)
now put a sock in it! (Serious Sam)
oh God, who writes this stuff?! (Serious Sam)
or is it about the way I talk?! (Albert)
says the fortune cookie! (Lo Wang)
so go back to your seat! (Train Compartment)
so, you know, well, innit, eh?! (Mrs Maggie)
товарищ! (tovarishch! ; comrade!) (Grisha)
which is an ancient Chinese secret! 9Lo Wang)
which makes me stiff! 9Lo Wang)
which might cause death! *ER?
which seemed intuitive in design docs! (Postal Dude)
which will make you die or go insane! (H. P. Lovecraft)
yeah baby! (Serious Sam)
you cheeky bastard! (Shufflebottom)
you cheeky bint! (Shufflebottom)
you cross-eyed, inbred muckspout! (Sir Knight)
you dickbag! (Lo Wang)
you ginger! [Russia And Origin,,Albert)
you numpty! (Shufflebottom)
you pillock! (Shufflebotttom)
you pitiful mortal! [H. P. Lovecraft,Father)
you posh fopdoodle! (Shufflebottom,Wealth And Poverty]
you tottering fool-born hedge-pig! (Sir Knight)
young man! (Mrs Maggie)